Last night I cried myself to sleep.
I was sitting watching my Packers play the Seahawks just enjoying the game and Matt sitting next to me. Then all of a sudden he says, “Oh-I got my deployment checklist. I have a bunch of stuff that needs to be done before the end of the month.”
I’m not fucking ready for him to leave. I know he will be safe and fine. I’m not worried about that. Thank GOD. I just don’t want to LIFE without him. And the strain on my baby’s hearts. Omg, it tears me up.
I know I chose this life because I am strong enough to handle it. But DAMN that doesn’t make it feel easier.
The deployment dread is the worst. I want to be present with him and I want to prepare myself. But nothing can prepare you except actually being in that time.
So what do I do?
I cry. I fucking cry when I feel like it. I’m not about to pretend that I’m ok with this. I love him and I support him of COURSE. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have emotions about this.
I write. This will be my healing, putting it all down on paper and getting it out.
Give myself space to process. I don’t have to push down the emotions. I can process and FEEL them ALL.
Spend quality time with Matt. Intentional quality time. Being us-laughing and not being so serious. And having great s*x 😘
Lean in. Talk to friends and family. Don’t shut everyone out and don’t set expectations for everyone to understand. I have a village that I can lean into through this. I just have to let them in.
Yes, I’m strong and independent but I don’t have to do this alone.
Live and love like he deploys tomorrow.
You don't have to do this alone. We are all in this together.